That aside…

I like to think that my chameleon days are behind me. Your post brought back to mind the struggles of my 9 years in Germany when I acquiesced to dying my hair eggplant one time and really, really tried to wash my windows every week (that lasted for a week and a half). Or trying NOT to say hello or smile. Or trying to eat cake every afternoon and not gain weight. Or trying to complain about the Germans with the expats and nod silently when the Germans would talk about the superficial Americans.

But here in Italy, at least in the last couple of years, my ever-falling hormone levels have brought this theme to a real head with me. Who am I after 18 years abroad? What do I really believe? How can I stand up for that and still meet my still-ridiculously high requirement for peace and harmony? My husband is German, my family American, my friends from such a cross cultural spectrum that invariably there are going to be misunderstandings not only having to do with personalities, but with perspectives. I get tired thinking about it. It’s really a huge issue for expats, one that comes in waves – sometimes soft and gentle, sometimes in tsunami form – and hits us again and again.

But one thing for sure. I think it can be said universally that even thinking of these issue helps expats to become more empathetic as a group, because we’re constantly trying to understand the positions that others around us have. We try. We stretch.

In the end, we have to be true to ourselves. If not, we fail the one that matters the most – the girl in the mirror. But with this lifestyle, sometimes it means paying a price – a price that people not in this situation don’t necessarily understand.

Alexandra, certainly the heterogeneous nature of any big city population makes it easier to fit in or, barring that, find other misfits with whom you can let your hair down.

Kerry-ann, I’ve often found myself caught in that “place in between” where you are both a a part of and excluded from both your home country’s culture (who, for example, is Justin Bieber?) and your adopted country’s culture (why is there such a fuss about taking crosses down from public school walls?). We are in the no man’s land of multiculturalism, but the weather is fine and the fish are biting. I’ll stick around awhile.

Hi Annie, this is what I just wrote to your mom: One thing I wish I had had so many years ago was a community of expats (either real or virtual) to help get past those first years of culture shock and solitude. I think your daughter’s experience will be much different than mine was, since it is so easy now to hook up with like-minded people–both foreign and Italian–online. And see, here you are with us like minded folk.

Happy to know that I’m not the only turnip in Italia :)

I think your situation is augmented in a small town where you are the super active but always foreign import. I noticed the same thing, on a diminished level, this summer when we bought a home in a small town in maremma and spend weekends and holidays there. In town people are very curious because “young people from florence, and SHE appears to be a foreigner, bought a house.” I’m okay with that – my husband is as much an oddity as I in this case. In fact they kinda take him for american; he has an Abercrombie t-shirt, i say that is the cause.

On the other hand, in Florence I feel very comfortable with being an expat. Maybe it’s because we’re a big, contributing community? We have an english language newspaper, I lead an english networking event each year, but I’m also well known in italian arts/culture circles. I may be saying a platitude but in a big city, assimilation – or integration? – is simply easier.

The only thing I don’t agree with you is when you write, “I have not assimilated, and never will.” I would say you have done more than assimilated because you have bettered your surroundings, bettered the experience of spreading knowledge by sharing and being hospitable.

Your contribution is felt among your guests, friends and family. So, I’d have say, besides your Italian being excellent, you are the new thirty.

Julie